Truth Hurts.. A LOT!!

This morning...
I woke up
Pondering of my past
And a realization struck me
Shocked and saddened me to the core

Is my imaan decreasing?
or has my pride and ego took over my determination?
Had my nafs somewhat won in the ongoing war with my heart?

No, I had not really changed much,
perhaps,
In my appearance
Nor did I act in any way to make Him mad (hopefully...)

Yet...
I didn't realize
that for quite a while
I had stopped doing something I'm supposed to do
Something entrusted to me,
the moment I had determined to live as a Mu'min
Something that I had vowed to do,
ever since I get to really, truly understand
The Prophet's sacrifice
and the illness that had engulfed the ummah
That he had strived for,
Fought for,
Shed blood and tears for.

The 'something'
is... my responsibility
as Allah had stated in The Book,
"Verily, you are the best ummah,
you call others to do good,
and prevent them from doing harm..."
(not exact translation)

Oh Allah...
Forgive your servant
For neglecting this duty
For not helping you spread this deen
For not fulfilling the promise I made years earlier
also..
For giving up on trying
when the going gets tough

And...
May I be strong, creative
and persistent
despite setbacks upon setbacks
trials and tribulations
put forth
in this path towards You

"Nahnu du'at qabla kullu syai'in!!"

~Self monologue... not even a poem.. just some reflections...~

*Please pray for me... feeling quite down currently.. *sigh*